conundrum.

i can remember a time when my i was so completely certain about my future plans. i knew it all, or so i thought. then life continued to happen. i was faced with the reality of my plans and other events and ideas and plans seemed to creep their way into, what i had thought, was so set.

to teach or not to teach?

since i will be graduating with a bachelor's in december, i am faced with the option to attain a teaching certificate which will enable me to be able to be a teacher. if you know me, then you know that this was my original plan when i started my collegiate career in the fall of 2006. but as time when on, things changed (as usual) and i changed my major to psychology and decided i wanted to be a counselor.

now, you may be asking "why are you going back to teaching if you want to be a counselor?" and my answer to you is this: i have a desire to do both. i still want to go to graduate school to get my master's in counseling psychology, but i'm just not sure if i want to go right now. i think that i would really enjoy teaching school for a while and then going back to get my master's.

pros and cons.

the pros of teaching first: i would be able to have a decent job after i graduate (or soon after--as opposed to two years after if i were to go to graduate school). i've always had a desire to teach and i would be able to. i think that my training in psychology would also come in handy in school--a teacher has a significant impact on a child. being a teacher would enable me to have weekends and summers off, a long with all holidays (talk about amazing). there is a high demand for teachers these days so finding a job would not be difficult. also, by not going straight into graduate school, i would be able to mature and get settled down without having to worry about school and homework. also, i'm wanting to go into marriage and family counseling and given the extended time off, i would be able have experience in those areas before going in to practice, creating more credibility for myself.

the cons of teaching first: the postponing of my post grad education could deter me from ever actually attaining my master's. although getting settled without worrying about school and homework sounds great, i'm going to have to worry about it eventually and it would probably be better to worry about it in the beginning than when i'm trying to start a family. also, by postponing graduate school, i am going to have to start paying off my student loans until i am in school again. this is not exactly ideal.

any advice? ..i mean it may seem like graduate school right after i graduate is the clear choice..but why do i not feel 100% about that? how can i seize the day when i have no clue what to seize?! ..oh.my.m.g.

ahem.

for those of you that don't know, i'm speaking in a small group chapel tomorrow and i'm pretty excited. the fact that i get to share something about God to a group of people is thrilling!

since, it is quite impossible for everyone to attend my small group chapel (which is actually for transfer students only), i felt the need to share with the world the small bit of wisdom i will be imparting on the people who attend transfer sg chapel tomorrow. (it will be slightly modified so that it can apply to everyone)

martin luther king jr. once said "the true measure of a man is not how he behaves in moments of comfort and convenience but how he stands at times of controversy and challenges." in my attempt to avoid the stereotypical "God provides" speech, which he does, i'm going to go out on a limb and challenge you, maybe even make you a bit uncomfortable.

as Christians, or what i prefer to be called "followers of God," we tend to relish in our perfect church attendance or profound knowledge of the Bible. both of things, although great achievements, are simply not enough to even give ourselves the label "Christian." after all, even an atheist can attend church every sunday and know the stories of the Bible. there is an absolute difference between knowing about God and knowing God.

john 14:6-7 read “Jesus answered, ‘i am the way and the truth and the life. no one comes to the Father except through me. if you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. from now on, you do know him and have seen him.”

being a Christian is a lot more than just perfect church attendance and memorizing bible verses. it’s about a personal relationship with God. in john 14:7, Jesus uses the verb ‘to know’ three times to talk about what he wishes for the disciples in terms of a relationship between himself and them, or God and them. in both the greek and in the old testament hebrew, the verb ‘to know’ has a connotation far beyond what we can really understand. in fact, it’s covenantal language and has everything to do with a personal, intimate relationship between God and his people. there are actually places in the old testament where the verb ‘to know’ is used sexually—“adam knew eve, and she gave birth to a son.” now, i’m not saying that our relationship with God is sexual, but i do think that Jesus chooses to use the verb here in greek because he wants to get across to his apostles how personal and intimate they are to be in their relationship with him.

just as you would spend a lot of time with a new friend, or potential significant other, to get to know them, you also need to spend a lot of time with God getting to know him.

the thing about church and even the bible is that you can tend to use these things as a crutch within your relationship with God. as these things will give you a better knowledge and understanding of who God is and what he does for his people, it will not develop a personal relationship with God for you (just as your dating for dummies book is not actually going to get you a date, without action on your part). i am not saying that these things will not aide your personal relationship, but they will definitely not create it or maintain it for you.

so, all that being said, i challenge you to look at your own life. if you take away the religious gatherings you attend and your knowledge of the Bible, do you have a personal relationship with God?

self-prophesy...i quit

in my intro to counseling lab this morning, we did some role playing to work on our basic counseling responses. it was...interesting...and a little awkward. we were paired up with another person in lab (which my lab only has seven people in it..six present this morning) and one person acts as the counselor while the other acts as the client. acting as a client is harding than it sounds. we did several different role play scenarios so that the person acting as the counselor could implement several different responses we had learned. me and my partner had stories from being pregnant and not knowing who the father is to having known a guy for two weeks and eloping. it was all just great fun. (note the sarcasm, please)

after realizing i would never make it has a novelist, i headed to chapel--come to the quiet--where i decided to sit alone today so that i wouldn't be distracted and could spend some quality time with our amazing Lord. well, so much for that. a few rows behind me, someone was blaring rap music on their ipod. the guys directly behind me were whispering and scoffing the entire time, not to mention the girl who found it more important to discuss that she was eating a pb&j for lunch rather than silently worship God. my prayers during chapel consisted of "please Lord, give me the strength not to turn around and say something indecent or make a scene in the middle of chapel. amen."

so, my day is already going..not great..or even good..just fine. i go home after picking up some lunch at sharky's and eat and work on my homework for my class at 3:30..which wait, i should still be in right now.......except for the fact that i never went. and why, do you ask i skipped class today? well, to bring you to the whole "self-prophesy" part of the deal, back during the role playing part of the day, when i was acting as the client, i made up this whole story about how i was extremely stressed out from helping with my brothers and sisters (all made up of course) and it was just really wearing me down. well, my mother asked me to pick up my youngest brother some food today and take it up to his school before i had class. you see, he had his very first football game today and all the little boys have their moms bring them some food before the game. so, i go get his food and i go up to school. as i'm walking in the front door of the school, the principal stops me and says "football food? you can't leave it here. they should have gotten a note about where to drop it off. go around back!" now, this guy was the principal when i went to school..and he has always been a jerk. so, i go and get in my car and drive around back. now where exactly am i supposed to drop off this food...? no clue. it's about 3:00 about now, so i call my mom. she doesn't answer. i call her at least 6 more times..and no answer. so i finally decide to call her up at the high school, where she works. except that i didn't have the number to the high school...so i called 411. the number 411 gave me sent me to the administration office, which then after a series of "press 1 for ____, press 2 for ____" i finally got transferred to the high school...where i was then on hold for almost 10 minutes waiting for my mom. she then tells me she doesn't know what to do either, because evidently she never saw this "note" and she tells me to text my brother and tell him i'm waiting. well, i text him..a few times...and call him, and nothing. i don't even see him in the hordes of little jr. high boys pouring out of the school..so i wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. 45 minutes pass and still no brother. i call my little sister to get ahold of my mom (because, oh yeah, she lost her cell phone...) to tell her that i still haven't seen him. she tells me to keep waiting and says "don't you have class?" to which i reply "welp, guess i'm not going since i'm almost 30 minutes late" ...then after about 5 more minutes, i see these twerpy little boys loading onto the bus..so i give up and go home. his food is now in the refrigerator..and i, instead of being in class, am writing this blog about how annoyed i am.

today is just one of those days when i want to quit life. not die, just quit.

i am an INFP.

after you read the title, you were probably like..you're a what? in-ff-puh..haha.

in one of my classes we recently took a personality test called the myers-briggs. and it turns out that i am an INFP (introversion-intuition-feeling-perceiving). most of the things, i already knew, but i felt as though it may be beneficial for others to understand better how i am.

people with INFP preferences have a great deal of warmth, but may not show it until they know a person well. they are very faithful to duties and obligations related to ideas or people they care about. they take a very personal approach to life, judging everything by their inner ideals and personal values. (all of this very accurately describes me)

INFPs stick to their ideals with passionate conviction. although their inner loyalties and ideals govern their lives, they find these hard to talk about (this definitely just happened a few days ago). their inner tenderness is masked by a quiet reserve.

in everyday matters they are tolerant, open-minded, understanding, flexible, and adaptable. but if their inner loyalties are threatened, the will not give an inch. except for their work's sake, they have little wish to impress or dominate. the people they prize the most are those who take the time to understand their values and the goals they are working toward. (thus the reason my close friend count is kept at a minimum)

their main interest lies in seeing the possibilities beyond what is present, obvious, or known (hence my desire to go into a psychological field). they are twice as good when working at a job they believe in, since their feeling puts added energy behind their efforts. they want their work to contribute to something that matters to them--human understanding, happiness, or health. they want to have a purpose beyond their paycheck, no matter how big the check. they are perfectionists whenever they care deeply about something.

INFPs are curious about new ideas and tend to have insight and long-range vision. many are interested in books and language and are likely to have a gift of expression; with talent they may be excellent writers. they can be ingenious and persuasive on the subject of their enthusiasms, which are quiet but deep-rooted. they are often attracted to counseling, teaching, literature, art, science, or psychology (well, well, well).

the problem for some INFPs is that the may feel such a contrast between their ideals and their actually accomplishments that they burden themselves with a sense of inadequacy. this can happen even when, objectively, they are being as effective as others. it is important for them to use their intuition to find ways to express their ideals; otherwise they will keep dreaming of the impossible and accomplish very little. if they find no channel for expressing their ideals, INFPs may become overly sensitive and vulnerable, with dwindling confidence in life and in themselves (kyle has witnessed this first hand with me).

INFPs tend to be private in their enthusiasms and often enjoy artistic activities such as creative writing, playing music, keeping a journal, or taking photographs. their love of language may lead them to collect poems, quotes, and books. they generally prefer intimate, informal social encounters and dislike large conventional gatherings. although they have a strong need for time alone and personal expression of their leisure, they may neglect this because of overcommitment to work. other recreational possibilities for them include appreciating nature, visiting art museums, or attending films and performances.

so i think that if you know me in the least bit, you can totally see pretty much all of that. and if you don't know me at well...well that's me! i'm an INFP.