everything is meaningless.

as i lay in bed aimlessly perusing the internet, i decided to look through all my tagged photos on facebook. this menial task begins to create a mix of emotions inside of me. i feel as though life is passing by so quickly that i am hardly able to enjoy it. i look back at the moments captured in the pictures and think "ah, that was fun" or "man, those were good times" but what do i have to show for all that except for some pictures?

i guess that's life, though. it is difficult to truly enjoy anything on this earth in the moment because after all, it's just that: a moment which will pass by and soon be forgotten.

and that is why the things of this earth are meaningless, everything is meaningless (ecclesiastes).

"a man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. this too, i see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat and find enjoyment? to the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. this too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." -- ecclesiastes 2:24-26

my last semester...

well, my last semester of undergraduate school is officially underway. technically it was all "underway" yesterday..but whatev.

monday started off fairly well. the first thing i had was chapel at 11 am--i sat with my group of transfers from WW and kyle, of course:) (he came into town late saturday night and stayed until this morning) after chapel, kyle and i ate at sharky's then just wasted time on campus before i had class...at 3:30 pm (yeah my first and only class on mondays starts at 3:30 haha) i went to class--intro to counseling--and it was good. i have a psyc professor that i have never had before, so i don't really know what to expect from him, but he seems to be someone i'll get along with. that is probably the class i'm most excited about. i want to get my master's in counseling psyc so i think this class is going to be a good indicator of what i should expect...or at least i hope it is. anyway, after class kyle and i went to the campus store where i purchased $250 worth of books...for 1 class. yes, you read me correctly. 1 class's books = $250. just shoot me now...i'm taking 17 hrs...that's like 6 classes. blah. well after that, we went and saw some of kyle's friends and then went home, where i helped cook dinner for abbie's birthday.

today did not start off as well as monday. first of all, i was completely exhausted when i got up this morning and secondly, kyle had to leave me:( my first class was at 9:30 am which was persuasion, a communications class that seems more like a business class to me. i like the professor for the class, i've had him before, but i am thinking about getting out of that class and into something else. this is my last semester, and i don't really want to be stuck in some class that i dread going to everyday. after class was chapel, dr. money spoke about the importance of chapel..it was...good. after chapel, i hung out with a couple of the people from the group. we just sat outside (in the shade, of course, because it was like 98 degrees outside) and talked before they headed to lunch and i headed to class at 12. my next class was child development, which is also taught by a prof i've had before, and i think it's going to be a fairly decent class. i had teams and team leadership right after that at 1:30. that class is all about group work, which i'm not really a fan of, but i think it will be a pretty fun class. and now, i'm just hanging out at home until my night class at 6 pm: parenting and family skills. (all of my classes just sound sooo difficult don't they..haha)

anyway, i just can't believe this is my last semester and that i'm graduating in december. i feel like i have so much that i need to do before then to prepare for graduate school and moving and life in general.

it's such a bittersweet moment.

on the one side, i'm graduating college!! i'm actually going to have a college degree. and i'm going to be able to live somewhere other than abilene. kyle and i can finally start planning for our life together...and living that life together. it's very exciting.

on the other side, i'm not done with school. i'm leaving ACU--which although i may complain from time to time--it really is a great community and an excellent learning environment. i'm moving away from my family..for good. i'm an extremely family oriented person, so that is a huge deal to me.

any way you look at it, it's going to be a big change. luckily, i have God to lean on.

well, welcome week started on tuesday and things have been going fairly well. i had 10 people show up the very first day and now we're down to 8, but i'm ok with that. everyone gets along, and we don't have any debby downers (thankfully). so far we've made it through 3 days with almost 100% (well of the 8) attendance! praise God for that. even though i went through this same process last year, the experience this year is so much better. i decided to be a little more extemporaneous (adj. improvised; done without preparation) after the first day, which has made it more like us all hanging out, instead of like class. i'll tell you what though, this "leader" thing is wearing me out. my family may beg to differ, but i am not a very extroverted person and having to constantly be energized and encouraging and up in front of a group all day has been taxing. i've been more irascible (adj. easily angered; prone to temperamental outbursts) with kyle and my family than normal this week. and even though i tried to use welcome week to exculpate (v. exonerate; to clear of blame) myself, but i know that's no excuse. and i'm sorry to those i have yelled at or been short with.

other than welcome week, my mom had surgery today. she had a tumor removed from her thyroid. she is currently still in the hospital, but so far everything seems to have gone well and they think that the tumor is benign which is a definite blessing. once my mom is out of the hospital, i'm sure she will say that she is inured (adj. accustomed to accpepting something undesirable) about the whole thing and try to just go about business as usual. but hopefully i can get someone other than myself to help around the house (which is generally a very arduous and almost impossible task to do around here).

today is also my little brother's sixteen birthday! the fact that he is sixteen today is so crazy to me. that and he is at least a good 2-3 inches taller than me. kids, they grow up so fast. haha

just a side note, at least with my studying for the GRE my blogs are somewhat eloquent (adj. well-spoken, expressive, articulate) and almost void of ingenuous (adj. artless; frank and candid; lacking in sophistication) thoughts. haha (by the way, that makes 6 words for today!)

welp, catch you on the flip side.

ugh.

well let's see.  welcome week starts tomorrow.  audrie leaves tomorrow.  my school email account is being retarded.  the love of my life and i got in a fight about money today, of all things.  i am two days behind on learning my 5 words a day for the GRE.  anything else?  ...probably.

i've been trying to write out my schedule for welcome week to assuage (v. to ease or lessen; to appease or pacify) the work load ahead of me.  i just really need prayers that i am able to be the leader that these transfer students need.  transferring to a new school is arduous (adj. strenuous, taxing; requiring significant effort)  and I know that from experience.  i want to be an audacious (adj. daring and fearless; recklessly bold) leader without being too over the top.  i hope and pray that God speaks through me this next week.  i want to positively impact the lives of these students--i want to be someone that they can come to if they ever need anything.  i want my title as transfer peer leader to become axiomatic (adj. taken as a given; self-evident truth).

other than welcome week, i can't believe that my little sister is going off to college.  she'll be four hours away from home.  my feelings about her being far away are fairly discordant (adj. conflicting; dissonant or harsh in sound).  i am so excited for her to be going to college;  to finally get to be her own person and experience things out from under the wings of our parents.  however, i am really going to miss her and i worry about her.  not because i think she is going to pull some chicanery (n. trickery or subterfuge) when she goes off to college, but because she is my little sister!  she is so pure and so innocent and i worry about what the world is going to try to persuade her to think and believe.  she is so disparate (adj. fundamentally distinct or dissimilar) from most other people her age.  she knows what is important in this life, and she does not waste her time with the things of this world.  even though she is my little sister, i really look up to her and respect her.  audrie, if you read this, please don't censure (v. to criticize severely; to officially rebuke) some things that you will come across in college.  although i do not want the world to influence your beliefs, i think that it is important to experience things in life.  i know that you can be fairly canonical (adj. following or in agreement with accepted, traditional standards) when it comes to things, but it's not bad to do things in an untraditional way.  for example, don't be afraid to stay up late on a school night!  or to eat a pint of ice cream for dinner:)  that's what college is all about!! (okay, not all about but it's part of the experience)  anyway, just know that whatever you are going through in life, i have probably already been through it.  so never be afraid to call me, for anything!

so on a completely different note, i just want to talk about kyle and i for a bit.

if you are reading this blog and don't know me--kyle is my boyfriend/love of my life/future husband.  we have only known each other for 5 months but that doesn't matter to us.  from the get-go, things were completely unconventional with us.  when we met, neither of us wanted to be in any sort of convoluted (adj. complex or complicated) relationship (since we had both just gotten out of one) so we started off our relationship as purely and strictly friends.  we both presented ourselves in an austere (adj. without adornment; bare; severely simple; ascetic) manner because we were not trying to impress each other, which has actually served us well over our relationship.  i knew within two and a half weeks of knowing him that i was going to marry him, even though he was fairly capricious (adj. inclined to change one's mind impulsively; erratic, unpredictable) with his feelings about me in the beginning.  after a series of events, his true feelings were finally disabused (v. to undeceive; to set right).  5 months later, we are totally and completely in love.  we are planning on getting engaged before december...but that is completely up to him (he is the one asking, haha).

anyway, take note that i used 13 new words from my GRE frequently used words list:)  that almost completely catches me up for the 2 days that i missed.

GRE preparation

oh the joys of preparing for a standardized test.

wait, i've never actually taken the time to prepare for a standardized test, haha.  but i am now.  within the next couple of months, i have to take the GRE (graduate record examination) and i have decided that i would like to increase my chances of getting into graduate school along with receiving scholarships by studying for said exam.

so today, i went by BAM to get a GRE prep book.  thirty-five dollars and a painful conversation later, i am now the proud owner of the princeton review's "cracking the GRE 2010 edition." and thus, my journey to amazing GRE scores has begun.

i do not exactly pride myself on my vocabulary, so i decided that that would be the best place to start.  i am taking it upon myself to learn 5 new vocabulary words a day (all of which are in the list of GRE frequent words).

word #1 abscond

v. to depart clandestinely; to steal off and hide

i hope to abscond to dallas in december.  of course, i will only appear to be an absconder to some.

word #2 aberrant

adj. deviating from the norm

kyle and i moving in together before marriage seems aberrant to others.

word #3 alacrity

n. eager and enthusiastic willingness

The alacrity of Abbie during summer band did not go unnoticed. :)

word #4 anomaly

n. deviation from the normal order, form, or rule; abnormality

to me, it is not an anomaly that i will be moving in with kyle.

word #5 approbation

n. an expression of approval or praise

the fact that i have to be at work in like 20 minutes is not received with approbation. :(

well, time to go to work and try to put to use some of this new vocabulary!

four months.

it is exactly four months until i will be a graduate of abilene christian university.  four months until i move from the place i've known my whole life.  four months until i embark on an adventure with the one i love.  four months.  in some ways, four months seems so soon...but in others, it seems like an eternity.

in four months, i will finally be free.  free of my past (high school, relationships, etc.) and free to live in the present.  the next four months will be spent living in the future--counting down the days/months until i graduate/move, conversations about future living arrangements, marriage plans, and even just when it is we can see each other next.  once that four months is up, that will be no more.  i can finally just live in the present, plan for the now, seize the day!

in attempt to make the next four months better, i'm going to try not to live in the future all the time.  i mean, i still have plenty that needs to be taken care of right now, i can't spend all of my days thinking, planning, worrying about the future.  like for instance, i need to get healthier.  so instead of planning on working out--i'm starting my workout today!! (after this blog actually:])  also, starting on the 24th of this month, i'm going to have 17 hours of school to keep me busy in the here and now.  i mean, yes, it does actually take some work to graduate from college:]  and along with school, working out, my job (that regardless of what my shirts says, i do not love), and trying to keep up with all my precious transfer students, i'm going to take these next four months to work on me.  the core of who i am.  i want to become spiritually strong and diligent.  one day, i'm going to be a wife and a mother, and i want to be the best wife and mother i can possibly be.

anyway, the gym is calling my name.  peace.  love.  & mariska hargitay.

.l.o.v.e.

"love is patient, love is kind.  it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.  love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.  it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  love never fails." --- 1 corinthians 13:4-5

this is the kind of love that i seek to give others.  it is utterly and completely unselfish.  

this kind of love goes against our natural inclinations as humans.  this kind of love is so difficult to have in this world.  this kind of love is only possible to practice with the help of God to set aside our own desires and instincts, so that we can give love while expecting nothing in return.

"and now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  but the greatest of these is love." --- 1 corinthians 13:13

love is the greatest of all human qualities and is an attribute of God himself (1 john 4:8).  faith is the foundation and content of God's message; hope is the attitude and focus; and love is action.  when faith and hope are in line, you are then free to love completely because you understand how God loves.

i have to admit that my attitude and focus (my hope) have not been in line lately, and it has inhibited my ability to fully love.  because of my poor attitude and lack of focus, i have not been patient or kind; i have been rude and self-seeking; easily angered and lacking trust; i have kept records of wrongs done against me and at times didn't feel like persevering.  to those who have been affected by my lack of hope, i truly and sincerely apologize.

the thing about this love, God's love, is that it is unselfish and unconditional.  He doesn't only love us because he is expecting something in return, and we shouldn't love that way either.